


Eglantine

by hide_if_you_ken



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Drug Use, Drugs, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hidekane Week, Hidekane Week 2016, Loneliness, M/M, Overdosing, Substance Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, depressed hide, hidekaneweek, maybe? - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-26
Updated: 2016-08-26
Packaged: 2018-08-11 05:35:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7878496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hide_if_you_ken/pseuds/hide_if_you_ken
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Day 4 ––– “Little bunny” / Taking Home a New Pet / *Loneliness*</p><p>Hide couldn't deal with the fact that Kaneki could have happiness that didn't include him. He couldn't cope, so he fell.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Eglantine

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry I'm late I didn't have connection. I won't write anything for day 5, see you on day 6!

Kaneki and Hide had always been a package deal in everything. Like both sides of an equation, you couldn't change anything in one without affecting the other.

That was why when Kaneki was subtracted from that equation, so was Hide's very soul.

Everyone would say the same thing when asked about Hide at that time, "He's not the same anymore, don't get involved with that guy he's trouble."

It didn't hurt, they were right.

The issue wasn't Kaneki leaving anymore, if he left then Hide could bring him back home. He'd done that countless times before, it wouldn't have been any different.

The problem was that Kaneki didn't even remember him anymore.

At first he was alright. It was necessary, he'd told himself. Kaneki couldn't remember anything, it didn't mean anything that when Hide talked to 'Haise' the monochromatic haired man didn't even feel nostalgic 

It didn't matter, the way Hide's brittle heart crumbled under unfamiliar gray eyes.

With each passing day he spoke to Haise he grew more and more distant, Haise saw that but didn't understand.

It was slow and steady, the process of him loosing himself to the loneliness that crippled his soul.

Then it became too much, the unbearable pain he felt when Kaneki had cried when he saw Touka for the first time when he didn't feel a thing when he saw Hide.

He couldn't breathe, he couldn't see through his tears, he couldn't stand on his shaking weak legs. He felt betrayed, he felt like all of his self worth was thrown out of the window. Maybe Kaneki didn't think of him as much as he did.

Maybe to Kaneki, he was just a minor detail. Unimportant.

Those were the kind of toxic thoughts that led him to where he was now, crouched in a corner his eyes glazed and his arms loosely falling from his sides, his hand gripping an empty needle weakly.

He wondered if Kaneki would find his current state pathetic. To him it would've been laughable. He's been through so much more than Hide yet he'd never succumbed to the pain as easily as Hide.

Hide was just so weak when Kaneki had been so admirably strong.

He'd seen Haise smile so brightly when Hide wasn't there, he didn't need to be there for Kaneki to be happy and it killed him inside.

He was disposable, replaceable. It didn't need to be him.

It was selfish, it was awful, it was so horrible of him but he almost wished that Haise would just die so that the broken Kaneki that needed him would come back. As long as he arrived first it would be him that is needed.

Hide was really the most worthless of scum. With his horrible personality he didn't deserve anything, never mind Kaneki. 

He shakily got up as he felt the familiar sensation of falling to an impeding crash. The high was wearing off and the needle sank into his skin before the threat of crashing could come any closer to him.

His blood felt light and that empty spot in his chest was filling up and it was just felt so good, this ecstasy he only found in being by Kaneki's side was slowly being replaced by having his blood drowning in drugs.

He really was the absolute worst.

He quit the CCG, seeing Kaneki happy while not being able to be a part of his happiness was ruining him. Ever since he joined the CCG Arima had told him countless times how much he respected him. He was not a demi-human, yet he still managed to climb his way to the head of the intelligence department. He was brilliant and Arima admired that. Arima saw him whither like a flower by Kaneki's side and it hurt him. Hide, despite what most thought, actually meant something to Arima and he hated that he was the reason he was suffering.

That's why Arima agreed immediately to help Kaneki through everything. To help let him live no matter what.

That's also how he ended up on the floor, the red crescent on his throat weeping through his last breath. Kaneki now remembered. He remembered and Arima was the reason he did. At least he got redemption for his sins before he inevitably left this twisted world.

He knew that together, Hide and Kaneki could destroy this world and build it anew.

He had hope.

Kaneki remembered, he remembered everything. He now could put a name to the face he watched grow duller with each passing day. To the eyes that lost light with every conversation. He'd killed Hide. He couldn't believe he took so long to remember.

He couldn't believe he took the light from those eyes.

He had asked everyone for Hide's location, asked if h was alright. Everyone gave vague answers.

He spent every day looking, knowing that everyone knew something about Hide he didn't. As far as he knew Hide was alive. He didn't know anything else.

Kaneki was so lonely without him, he couldn't help but think whether he'd caused this excruciating emptiness in Hide's chest as well.

He was losing hope, it's been months and no one would tell him a thing. Whenever he asked the others to at least tell him if Hide was doing ok they'd just avert their eyes and give him incomprehensible replies.

Hide was not alright.

He had that realization while he was questioning Touka for the umpteenth time just that week.

"He's not doing well is he? What's wrong with him, I need to see him Touka please I know you know something." He had tears in his eyes and Touka was taken aback because through everything Kaneki had been through she'd never seen him shed a tear, not in front of her anyways.

Her eyes softened. "Kaneki, Hide he.." She started, swallowing painfully. "He's not the same as before anymore. He.. The Hide you know, the Hide we all know, is already dead and I.. I don't think there's a way to bring him back." She bit back the tears, Kaneki would freak out if hurricane Touka cried. He'd know the extent of it and she didn't know what would happen to him then.

"What does that mean Touka?" Kaneki despite Touka's best efforts could see that she was holding back tears. "Is he hurt?" The only thing he can think of that would make Touka cry was if Hide was counting the days he had left in a hospital room. Touka wasn't one to give much thought to emotional pain, if it didn't bleed it didn't matter.

"No, he's still physically okay." The 'still' slipped from her mouth before she could take it back. "Hide.. When he left he was not.. stable." Touka tried to explain. Adding "emotionally." As an after thought.

"I've seen that back when I couldn't remember. I've just never seen the end of it when he suddenly quit and dropped off of the face of earth." Kaneki said, the worry was eating him up inside.

"He.. He couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't handle you remembering face by face but not remembering him when he'd thought for the longest time he was the most important." Touka still remembered the day Kaneki remembered her. How It hurt Hide so bad he had to be carried home by Yomo.

How she had started noticing the red eyes and the pasty pale skin right after that night.

"I need to see him Touka, please." Kaneki begged, he was starting to lose hope, he was starting to look more and more like Hide did the last time Touka had seen him.

 

"I don't know." Touka said honestly. "He left without a word. He doesn't want to be found Kaneki. He doesn't want anyone to see him the way he is now."

"You're not telling me everything, Touka please, if you care about me one bit tell me." His eyes were glassy with tears.

"Hide he.." She bit her lip, tentative. "Last time I've seen him he was off the deep end, he's completely addicted. Kaneki I'm so sorry I couldn't stop him and left him until it got this far."

"He.. He does drugs?" Kaneki's whole world crashed and burned around him. It was his fault. He broke Hide so bad he couldn't even bear to stay sober anymore. He needed to be high because the world was in so much destruction that he'd fall if he stayed there. "How bad.." He said through the lump in his throat.

"It started out with weed and the not too bad stuff, but it quickly turned to cocaine and other strong shit. I tried to stop him Kaneki I swear. Every time I took a needle he'd just buy a new one. I couldn't do a thing I'm so sorry." A tear fell out of Touka's right eye and Kaneki's heart clenched tightly.

"I need to find him and stop him." Kaneki was shaking.

"I'll help however I can," Touka offered through a shaky smile and Kaneki couldn't even find it in himself to smile back.

Hide was somewhere, wasting his days away in highs and gradually killing himself. Hide needed help and Kaneki had to be the one to give him that help.

He'd caused this and he will fix it. No matter what it took.

Hide was going through one of the bad ones, where his local drugs couldn't just do it for him. Even when coupled with alcohol. Days like these the heroin would shut his brain up and dull the pain in his heart. Today though, not even that was enough.

He needed the pain to stop, he needed this emptiness to be filled up. Even when he was this high, Hide was smart enough to know that he'd have to wait to take another hit or else the threat of overdosing would be very likely.

He was also high enough not to care.

He was tired anyways, he found himself thinking that even if he died like this, alone in this small apartment. His shirt coated with dusty white cocaine and blood from when his nose bled. Even if he died here where no one would even notice, it was okay. Welcomed even.

Hide didn't exactly want to die, he just wanted the pain to stop, and if dying was what that took, then dying it was.

The needle sank into his skin, now littered with many other needle marks, and he sighed in relief as he pressed the poison into his body. He's been rotting inside for the longest time, it's not like dying would be any different.

Time passed, how much exactly he had no way of telling. It might've been an hour, a minute, maybe even a day. All he knew was that when the room started to tilt and the corners of his vision were starting to darken, the door opened. The one who faced him was someone he'd seen countless times before in this small apartment, in all his highs he made his appearance. He was a ghost, haunting him for the longest time. Kaneki Ken.

He just stared, taking in every detail like he always did. He never knew when would be the last time this ghost would visit him.

He didn't know when the ghost of the person that abandoned him will do the same. He made sure he committed everything to memory, from the way his white hair fluttered as he ran to his side to the way his pained worried eyes held his.

It was oddly vivid, this ghost.

Kaneki couldn't help but hold Hide's vacant gaze. Hide had needles littered all around him and white powder like dust in the small space.

Hide was a mess.

He called his name multiple times but there was no reply. He ran to Hide's side.

"Hide please answer me." He borderline screamed, his fingers gently cradling Hide's face.

"I didn't know ghosts could be so tangible." Were the first words Hide said to him after all that time. They were distant, slurred.

"Hide it's me, I'm real, I'm here." He took Hide's hand in his and put it on his own cheek. "See, I'm here, you're not hallucinating."

Hide looked genuinely confused. "That's new, I wonder what my brain is doing anymore, coming up with shit like this." Hide sighed and retracted his hand. "It's like my own brain likes to torment me with false hope and heartbreakingly gentle words." Hide looked like he could've laughed, and he did, softly, mirthlessly.

Kaneki hugged him tight. "Hide it's me I swear, please believe m-" Kaneki stopped short. He noticed through the varied assortment of needle marks, two were freshly bleeding. He noticed the shallow breaths Hide was forcing into his lungs. He noticed the shaking hands and trembling lips. "Oh god Hide you're over-dosing. Stay right where you are and try to breathe, I'll call an ambulance right away."

He watched as realization struck Hide, of what he'd done, of his state, and of the fact that Kaneki was in fact there.

Kaneki saw him. He saw him and Hide wished the earth would just swallow him up. He attempted to kill himself and Kaneki was there to watch it. He was so fucked.

He almost certain that if he caught Kaneki's eyes he'd see disgust clearly spelled out in his stormy gray orbs.

The entirety of the trip to the hospital was a blur to the both of them.

The world was all white noise and swirling colors to Hide. He was underwater and he loved the sensation of drowning. He couldn't breathe, he could only see colorful splotched all around him, like an angry painting, vivid and bright. The colors swirled and he felt nauseous, they were overflowing, they were everywhere.

Kaneki's blur was of a different kind, it was a frantic tear veiled one, with shaking hands and shallow breaths. He didn't leave Hide the whole time, his sorrow dripping down his cheeks and then to Hide's lightly freckled ones.

If he'd been one day later, one hour later, Hide would've died and he wouldn't have been able to do a thing about it. He'd be alone again and it would've been his fault.

He didn't want to think about what he would've done if that happened.

Hide's breathing was as weak as his heartbeat. Kaneki was terrified, when they took Hide away to the ER and into an operation room. Kaneki waited for hours on end, it was excruciating. Every minute without knowing Hide's state was living hell, nurses would walk in and out with downcast gazes and unreadable expressions.

He was frustrated and scared.

People came in and went out of the waiting room, the sun lowered in the sky until it went completely out of sight. Kaneki couldn't help but find that ominous.

People he knew, strangers, they all changed and overlapped. One came to replace the other and they were never the same. He was the only constant in this world of change.

The first strings of dawn were starting to get discernible, the sun was rising slowly from where it had been locked away. Kaneki couldn't help but find that promising.

It was when most of the sun was peaking from the horizon that the doors to the operation room burst open and a group of nurses, lead my a doctor, pushed a bed along with them. The doctor came to talk to him and the rest of the nurses with Hide limp on the bed disappeared to the wing of the patient rooms.

Kaneki looked up at the doctor hopefully, though fear was still swirling like an impeding storm in his deep gray orbs. "How is he?" Kaneki questioned before the doctor could say anything.

"He's stable for now. I don't know whether you knew this or not but his substance abuse has been going on for quite a while. It will be hard to get rid of his little... habit. Please consider rehabilitation, I really recommend he's sent there. He's already insured for everything so no payment will be needed." The doctor explained. "Please refrain from getting angry at him and yelling at him or anything similar. He might be physically stable, but I'm not completely sure about his mental health." He added in an after note.

"Thank you so much, I'll think over what you suggested carefully. I just want him to be okay." Kaneki's heart was gripped tightly by fear, the backs of his eyes stung. "Can I see him?" Kaneki said weakly.

The doctor smiled and said, not unkindly. "He's asleep now but you can stay in the room and wait, it's already way past visiting hours anyways." He winked slyly and shooed Kaneki away. "240."

Kaneki would've smiled if he wasn't on the verge of tears.

When Kaneki entered, the nurses had already settled Hide snug on the mattress and left the room. The sun's soundless tendrils seeping through the translucent windows to gently caress Hide's lightly freckle dusted cheeks. He looked like the saturated sunrise that he'd just witnessed. But behind the warmth that was Hide, that had always been Hide, was emptiness that was so absolutely not Hide, that had never been Hide. The way his hair cradled his face like a halo but at the same time dark purple upward crescents carried his sunken eyes.

Hide was the same but also so different and it confused Kaneki endlessly. On a closer look though, he noticed that Hide's hair lacked the brilliant luster it previously possessed. That his warm slightly tanned skin was now pasty and pale. That is soft pink lips were now chapped and bluish.

The killing blow was his exposed arms. He couldn't even count the needle marks on the pale skin. They were littered all over the insides of his arms, the newer ones were a dark purple, blossoming like lilacs on his arms, some of the fairly old ones were bluish and the older ones were nuances of yellow and pale patches of white.

Touka had been right, Hide was dead. And at this point, he honestly didn't believe he would be able to bring him back.

No matter, it might take time, but they can stitch back the pieces of them once more. It might take time but the would iron down all of their frayed edges and wash out all the stains.

They'd be alright once more. Kaneki will make sure of it.

He didn't know how long it had taken, he didn't know how many meals he'd eaten in a blur while waiting for Hide to rise. But eventually Hide's eyes fluttered and he stirred softly. Kaneki smiled as he stared at Hide, it's been so long, too long.

"Hey." Kaneki said simply and Hide would've smiled goofily but this Hide didn't even blink.

He stared at Kaneki for a very long time, Kaneki had no way of knowing how long, it could've been minutes or less, hours or more. All he knew was that he was staring into deep voids of nothingness. All he knew was the moment the dull ache in Hide's eyes transformed into jagged edged anguish. That his eyes lit with shame and Kaneki could only discern a single spider string of hope in those deep brown pools.

All he knew was that Hide was too broken, that no matter what he did, how many times he apologized it'll never be the same.

He didn't mind, he didn't care, as long as it was Hide, as long as it was him. People change, like how autumn faded to winter, nothing stayed the same. Change was alright. He'd changed many many times before. He'd seen how Hide accepted every aspect of Kaneki's new self and encouraged him softly. He'd seen how it never bothered him, black hair, white hair, it never even fazed him.

This was still Hide, no matter what anyone says, this was Hide. His best friend, his most precious of people, his lover, the one he will always love, no matter what.

Their first and only kiss had been in the sewers, it tasted like blood sweat and tears, but he wouldn't have it any other way. They were ripped at every edge but they were perfect for each other. Stitched together by the frayed seams, they made each other complete.

That had been the last time he'd properly talked to Hide. The last time he watched Hide's eyes grow brighter with every word, even when his shoulder was bleeding, even when Kaneki had his teeth deep within his flesh. The warm smile he gave Kaneki as he whispered gentle apologies against his torn skin, kissing the wound as if willing it to close. Hide's gentle fingers in his hair as he reassured him that it was fine, that he was alright were still emitting warmth against his scalp.

He was torn away from his thought by the soft quivering sobs coming from the boy across of him. He bit his lip and extended his hands to touch Hide before he let his arms fall to his side, he wasn't sure he had the right anymore.

"Hide, hey, can I..?" He started tentatively but Hide nodded so fast that Kaneki's heart broke. Kaneki extended his arms once more to wrap them around Hide and pulled him close. Hide leaned into him, their frayed edges fitting together to make them whole. Kaneki was home once more and the empty space in Hide's chest filled up once more.

"I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry." He whispered against Hide's collar.

"Well that's nostalgic." Hide smiled softly and Kaneki's heart melted.

"It really is isn't it?" Kaneki let out a few breaths of amusement.

"Yeah." Hide joined him in his soft laughter.

"Hide, I.. I'm so sorry it took me so long to remember, I'm the absolute worst I know, but I think that it took me so long because you were so extremely important that I couldn't bear living with the memory of hurting you. That's my selfish nature and I'm sorry it ended up hurting you. I'm so sorry." Hide could feel wetness on his chest. He sighed.

"Don't you dare Kaneki." Hide said, his voice harsh. "Don't you dare turn this around, I'm just so tired. I'm so tired of your stupid martyr attitude and I'm so sick of you always playing victim. Stop it. It was my fault for being weak. It was my fault for giving up." He said through gritted teeth.

Kaneki was speechless, he had no idea things were like this. He had no idea that even his personality caused Hide pain.

"I'm so-"

"Shut up and make up for it already if you're so sorry that you have to repeat it a thousand times." Hide tried to sound mean but Kaneki could hear the humor in his voice.

"How, I'll do anything, just tell me what you want and I'll do anything I swear." Kaneki held Hide's face between his hands.

"Hm, I don't know. You can start out by kissing me." Hide's mouth quirked up slightly.

Kaneki pressed their lips together and he didn't know how much he needed their lips molded together until they became that way. "Like this?" Kaneki murmured against Hide's mouth.

"Mm, maybe a bit deeper." He answered, breath fanning Kaneki's mouth.

Kaneki complied, kissing him deep. He sucked on Hide's bottom lip softly and Hide sighed. Kaneki slipped his pink tongue into his mouth. They kissed long and hard, wanting to connect so much that they can become one. After a while, Kaneki pulled away, breathless and flushed. His wet lips moved to kiss both of Hide's eyelids and watched Hide smile warmly. It wasn't his old thousand watt one, but it was progress.

"What next?" Kaneki asked, still breathing hard.

"You are never allowed out of my sight. Never leave me alone again Kaneki, I was so hopelessly lonely without you." Hide's voice was small and shaky.

"You know I can't promise that." Kaneki averted his eyes and Hide just chuckled mirthlessly.

"I figured as much," Hide shrugged. "It was worth a try anyways."

"No Hide, you don't understand. You can't stay like this. You.. You need to agree to go for rehab. It will take a while, but after that I swear I'll be always by your side that you'll grow sick of me." Kaneki looked closely for Hide's reaction.

His eyes flashed with shame and suddenly his eyes were downcast and he behaved restrained.

"I'll agree." Hide said silently and Kaneki gaped. "I need to get better for me to become worthy your love. Please wait for me." Hide kissed Kaneki's nose gently.

Kaneki shook his head. "I love you, no matter what or who you become I love you." Kaneki could've cried, and so he did.

"Shh, Kaneki, it's okay, I'll get better real fast and then I'll come for you. I swear." Kaneki shook his head weakly. He wanted Hide to be well again but he was so selfish.

"I'd be so lonely without you." Kaneki shook. "I'm sorry I'm so selfish but I can't.. Without you here I, again.. I .." Kaneki was sobbing too hard to talk.

"After the first month passes you'd be able to visit me. Wait until then. Hold on for me, please. Don't give up. For us." Hide said so hypocritically that it sounded honest. He didn't want Kaneki to end up like him.

But Kaneki had always been strong, so he held on. He held on long enough to see the light slowly return to Hide's eyes. Long enough to see all the needle marks fade, long enough to have Hide in his arms again, free and well. Overflowing with every and happiness.

They were together and nothing would be able to tear them apart. They were strong and inseparable.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed. Byebye!~


End file.
